| | So, its the end of the week, and in exactly a week's time I've gone to an underwear party, broke up a bar fight, had a boy pass out after I kissed him, thought I was dancing with one person at a bar--but in fact there were five people who looked the same--I just couldn't tell them apart, had SunDay Fun Day at Lime, Helped my cousin Jessica Move, got a speeding ticket, contracted SwineFlu, been Quarantined, and I just cut off a friend.
Where do I begin?
I've been... handling the breakup relatively okay. Im lying. I haven't. I feel so lonely and isolated. I really feel like I have no one to talk to about it. For a while I was nauseous most of the day. Forcing myself to drink protein shakes and eat peanut butter. I would just feel so goddamn SAD. I felt that since I was the one that decided to move out, everyone expected me to be all HappyGoLucky... or some shit like that. I don't know. I've never done anything like this before, so I didn't know what, I guess, you are supposed to do, say, feel, or how you are supposed to act. I just felt so utterly alone.
I moved back home with my mom and dad in my old bedroom. Im on a twin sized mattress that I have a suspicion I exceed the maximum weight limit. My mom and dad really havent said much about the breakup. My third day home my mom asked me if we were fighting. I told her no, and that it just wasnt working. Thats the best version of truth that I could have given her.
As far as Jess and Michelle... i feel like we have to live in this award bubble of ignorance. they both have made it clear that because JR has been in the family for so long... its very hard for them not to care about what happens to him regardless of what happens between the two of us... and I understand that. But it leaves me feeling even more lonely.
Like who am I supposed to talk to? Who am i supposed to talk to about Steve? About Just Me? About what Im scared of, what I'm feeling. Why I did it. Why I was so unhappy?
... meanwhile back at the gym. Ive been killing myself. Its really the only time I feel normal. I had just been so miserable and isolated when Im by myself-exercise is the only thing that would make me feel "normal'. When Im with clients, everything gets shoved to the back and I just work....
***to be continued***
So word spreads that I'm single... but I dont think Im quite ready to mingle. I realize that I'm really naive. I cant tell when people are hitting on me... and by the time I figure it out its already far too late. I dont even know if Im ready to date anyways...
That being said... Jose heard that I was single, and invited me to join him and Brian to San Francisco Gay Pride. The last time I went to Pride was a big debacle with Sam&Joey circa 17 years old. A friend of thiers had a two bedroom two bath condo in Oakland, and they said I was more than welcome to come with. That weekend it was supposed to be a ME & JR weekend, but I chose not to. I know, its fucked up. I know that if me and JR are supposed to try and make it work, then we gotta make time right?
But after all of this, I just want some time to be unapologetically ME.
So here's the Agenda: Friday Night: Underworld (underwear party), Saturday-Pink Party in the Castro, Sunday- brunch at Lime, then the Festival, then Bar on Church. Monday: help Jessica Move.
Underworld: Holy lord, I was scared shitless for this... I was scared I was gonna be the biggest whale ever. So I did my usual no carbing + tanning, and I got some water pills. I drove Tyra up Friday. I met up early with Jess and we had some bomb ass sushi at this joint nearby her new spot. Her new spot is in China town, so we did some really good shopping on the cheap. I got some earrings for a dollar, and she found this pretty sick jacket at Goodwill which is some Japanese designer brand or somethings.. >shrug<
After our buys, we went back to Jess's so I could catch some beauty sleep. I dont know whats wrong with me, why Im so emotionally retarded... but I really wanted to talk to Jess about how I felt about the whole break up... but mentally I couldnt come up with anything. On the inside I was dying, but I couldnt find the words or ideas to express anything about how lonely I've been. .. so I just slept... and in an hour it was time for me to meet up with the boys.
Brian and Jose had come from the US vs. China Volleyball game, and we all met up at Robert & Kevin's hotel room. Jose's friend Mike (BooBoo) met up too to bring Jose some boots. OMG. Hilarz. I must say I looked realy good in my hot pink chonechones. They looked really good with my tan and my Nike Hi Tops. We all liquored up, and called a cab. Nice how there was a debut in the lobby? LOL thanks. Anyhow, the cab driver is telling me about his wife from Bicol, and before you know it we are there.
OMG. Such a disappointment. I was shook for a WEEK about this damn party. I was literally the hottest guy there. :( I was so disappointed. Me and B literally RAN to the bar to drown my sorrows and his anxiety, and before u know it I was dancing around like a fool. Its amazing what a little bit of alcohol will do for your mood. Apparantly I was in a good mood too. According to my friends... I did ALOT of community service that night. I remember making out with two fug guys. Apparantly there were 10. LMAO. Anyhow.... the party was over quick, and us fat girls headed over to ihop to grab some grub. I had a double cheeseburger. Red Meat was the theme for my Pride Weekend..
****to be continued**** |
| | Posted 7/3/2009 11:50 AM - 4 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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