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| ... wow. Last entry was kind of bleak. 2009 has been very tumultuous. Full of dramatic dips and turns. As the yea draws to a close, these ups and downs seem to occur at a more frenetic paze with even dizzier peaks and valleys.
Since I last blogged, I had my 3rd annual 25th bday. The econonomic clime of Fresno is dismal, and I was offered a job to work in West Hollywood as a Personal Trainer. I accepted it.. so now its just tick, tock, tick tock until I get the deets...
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| I dont know if this is ROCK BOTTOM, but it sure does feel like shit. If this isnt Rock Bottom, then Im definitely scraping the bottom of the barrel.
I've got no money. Im behind on my bills. Clients are inconsistent at best. Im doing good in school, but considering I have one damn class, that isnt saying much.
I feel like a sack of shit that isnt going anywhere fast.. except for lower and lower.
I feel like an asshole thats been left high and dry. I used to be so generous with my time. I was always available to help people out, give advice, lend some money, take someone to lunch or ice cream to make them feel better. Offer a kind word or two. You would think that such kindness would be returned?
The mature side of me knows that the other friends/relatives/coworkers/everyone else in the damn free world is going through thier own shit right now.. BUT FUCK. Like, can a bitch get a hug? A smile? A phone call? I feel like an idiot of ever being nice to anyone. What the fuck did it get me anywhere? The rest of the world is full of selfish bastards--was I a fool not to be one? Should I be one? Is this THE LIGHT? Is this GROWING UP? Is this MATURITY?
Every man for himself, and fuck everyone else?
Im tapped out. I got nothing left. I get up in the morning and I train my clients, and the only way I can muster some sort of positive energy is because I have to be motivated to get THEM motivated. And I have my own workouts. Thats it. Those are the only time I feel quazi normal.
Did I mention Im broke? All my money goes to gas, and i eat what I can when I can. Luckily for me, vendors hook me up with good jugs of protien. So Ive been living off of 3-4 protein shakes a day, cottage cheese, and eggs. And tuna and oatmeal.
All the stress and lack of fresh fruits and vegetables is wreaking havoc on my skin. My skin is shit, and is only getting worse. Im developing allergies to things-so now Im covered in rashes and zits. I woke up today with rashes on my legs and a stye in my eye.
Fuck My Life. Im broke, alone, and I look like a leper. And quite honestly, I know no one gives two shits.
.. on a brighter note.... I am still trucking along Im trying to play catch up on life. Trying not to get sucked down in this quagmire that we call reality. Ive started dance again. Im still working on my fitness-because really thats the only reason I wake up in the morning. I filmed some content for my website that Im still trying to launch. Im booked to dance in Abu Dhabi in November. I still have my tv segment every week.
... I dont know if this is Rock Bottom, but I really dont think I can handle very much more. They say that its always the darkest before the dawn, and that you have to hit the bottom before things get better. I also know that I have been very lucky/fortunate in my life... but really? How much more suffering am I supposed to endure before the wheel of fortune takes an upswing? | | |
| I went to the voodoo shop. Lit up a couple of candles, a couple sticks on incense. Said a couple of prayers. I actually feel better already. | | |
| In the past week or so, I've been from Fresno to LA to Seattle, back to Fresno for a day and a half, and then up to San Francisco. Im exhausted, and Im sick. I went down to LA to rehearse with PPD for a show in Seattle. Howcome no one told me ALL OF LA was on fire? We came into LA, and the sky looked like a scene from Terminator 2. It was me, Cam and Jennah. (Weird). And we arrived on time. The rehearsal was stressful, but we got thru it. We stayed up late and crashed at Dee's house while me and Cam choreographed his knife routine. Monday, I went to workout at Bally's and had Czar pick me up, take me tanning, and to sushi, and then drop me off. (Awkward.) Oh yeah, and some point on Monday me and Cam were playing around with the fireknife, and I got all eager beaver and burned my face and hand. LOL. It wasnt that bad, but i still have a scab on my left knuckle. Tuesday was a debacle. We woke up early to find that Jennah had locked her keys in her car. So, another dancer drove us, but we had to drop off the UHaul before we went to the airport. Uhm. At UHaul, we totally backed into an Explorer, but the guy was pretending like he didnt speack english and kept asking for money. We just drove off.
We arrived at the airport, and the night before we had called everyone to wear all black because our client was meeting us at the airport. Everyone was dressed in all black. Save two. I will give you two guesses. :( The flight was lovely though. We flew Virgin Air, which was totally legit. It felt like we were flying in a night club lounge. So, we get there, the shuttle picks us up, we check into the hotel, go straight to the casino, fire tech rehearsal, full rehearsal, then we get dressed for the show. It was an outdoor stage. The show was okay. I fucked up alot. I was kinda sick/black lung from the LA Fires, plus I wasnt really into it. Cam did amazing though. After show, after meet n greet, after pictures we finally got to eat. I was CRANKY. It was nine, and I hadnt eaten since 2pm. I even snapped at the limo guy who was taking our bags. After my first plate though, I was better, and I felt really embarrassed that I lost my cool.
That night a few of us dancers were drinking in my hotel room, and before I knew it we were in the air again towards LA. Then drove to Fresno... I was in fresno for literaly a Day and a Half, filmed my TV segment, and then was on the road for San Francisco. I went to go see WICKED at the Orpheum. It was amazing!!! I really want to see it again. I stayed at the Westin, and it was a LUXURIOUS King DELUX Suite. I loved it, and it was totally worth treating myself. Before the show, my friend Kipp and I went to Colibri for tapas. Amazing food, shitty service. Really SHITTY. I didnt even tip. The next day, I worked out at the gym at the Westin, had breakfast at Ducca (the lobby restaurant), and then went to go meet up with Will. Oh, Will. My very first boyfriend ever. I was his very first boyfriend ever too. It was weird. He was hesitant to meet me, and I found out why. We had lunch on the pier, and it was pleasant and we talked. Around December he contracted HepC from unprotected sex. The meds he is on has made him lose weight, and is causing him alot of anxiety and depression. He didnt want me to see him that way. I understood, and I felt really bad for him, and felt even worse that he would be embarassed to see me.
What was my motivation to meet up with Will? I think Im trying to figure out who I am in the world, and who I am without JR. Will knew me before JR. I think thats why. Alot of people say that I have a strong sense of self, but since Ive been single-i feel like I have a strong sense of what others expect me to be-and I project it. It was nice to see Will, and I am glad we can be friends. It is also funny because he kept saying that he wasnt the same guy I knew. I was like, dude-I was 13 when we were together. IM NOT THE SAME EITHER. LOL Everyone changes.
After I dropped him off, I went to go get my cousin Jessica from work. How come no one told me she totaled her car?? We went room hunting, and then we went to Trader Joes for some snacks, and rested up a bit before we went out. Uhhh... we went to this hipster house for a bday? UHM. So not my scene. IMHO LA stomps all over The Bay. IMHO the Bay is full of wanksters, hipsters, and clones. IMHO Everyone in the bay is trying so desparately to be COOL/unCool. I think its lame. And everyone looks awkwards. At least in LA people admit to thier plastic and superficialness. Right? THe party was wack as fuck, and me and Jess dipped out to Jack in the Box.
YACK in the BOX. I woke up the next morning with projectile vomit deadly #2. I couldnt keep anything in or down. It was the WORST feeling ever, and it lasted until 2pm. I couldnt even help my cousin pack her boxes. I felt so bad. The drive home was the worst. I was scared I was gonna shit myself. I spent all night recovering at home. Most of yesterday too in bed. I got up in the evening to go eat DiCiccos with Jeffy. It was a fun dinner, but I unfortunately was bad company. But Jeffy kept me entertained. I didnt even finish all of my food :(
Anyhow, I woke up today and stretched Matty, and did 45 min of cardio with Abs.
I feel lost. And lonely. Ive been kinda dating this guy named Manny. He is cute, and sweet. But I dont feel that HEAT, that PASSION... so is it even worth continuing? Me and JR got in a big fight last week. He started it. I was really hurt. I dont know if it will ever workout anytime soon between the two of us. But I love him and I miss him. He makes me feel safe. But at the same time, towards the end when I was with him, i was very unhappy. It all gets so very confusing. :( Meanwhile.. other boys have been bouncing in and out of my life, trying to get my attention-but really??? I feel like they only are interested in me for sex. None of them really want to get to know me. I dont even have time to get to know them. And to be honest, alot of them are chumps that i dont even want to get to know...
How did I get here? | | |
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